Island Time

Planes. Hotels. Rental cars. This is the weary life of a man who helps troubled kidneys all over the Western US. The upside to all this travel is an abundance of frequent flyer miles and hotel points. I can’t help but bless kidney failure for our recent vacation in Maui.

The place is magical. Our time on the island was almost sacred. I have difficulty putting the feelings into words. I will try… eventually. Somehow, remembering leaves me grieving that we are no longer there. For now, I will document some amusing details from the first day of our trip:

7:00 am Leaves for airport with 75 pounds of luggage, 60 of which are humidity resistant hair products.

10:00 Buckles in first class seat next to crazy lady who can’t stop talking/drinking/getting up/and other assorted aggravating behaviors.

11:30 Hopes crazy lady chokes on swordfish during lunch.

1-2:00 Daydreams of a seat in coach while crazy lady laughs OUTLOUD hysterically at the book she’s reading.

3:00 Lands in Maui while narrowly avoiding premeditated murder charges.

3:01 Hair wilts.

3:15 Waits at the luggage carrousel…with crazy lady.

3:30 Bags arrive. Crazy lady says the nicest thing: Goodbye.

4:00 Signs rental contract promising NOT to drive rental car in remote parts of the island.

4:30 Voids rental agreement by driving to a remote area of the island.

4:35 Checks in at luxury beach front hotel.


4:45 Hotel staff upgrade accommodations. (We ARE Gold members after all.)


5:00 Goes loco over island specialty, Loco Moco--a veritable layered heart attack on a plate.


6:30 Internal Lappert's radar goes off in Wailea. Has difficulty enjoying stunning sunset views and balmy beach walk due to preoccupation with and proximity of said ice cream establishment.

8:30 Decides souvenirs are overrated and reroutes all funds to super premium ice cream.


9:30 Borrows craft scissors from hotel front desk and cuts misbehaving hair in hotel bathroom.

9:35 Reminisces about the last time unruly hair was cut in a Hawaiian hotel room.

9:36 Curses humidity and fine hair.

9:37 Devises plan to have no self-portraits while in lovely Maui.

10:00 Collapses in ice cream induced coma and dreams about tomorrow's not-so-hair-raising adventures.

The Look of Love

This is what love looks like at our house:

I mowed the grass UNSUPERVISED for the first time today. I'm hoping to make Sir William's return from a marathon business trip a little less stressful. I'm soooooo grateful he does the lawn when he's home. I'm even more thankful he works hard for our family, even if it means he has to be away. I wonder if he'll be as appreciative of my help when he learns I put the wrong type of gas in the edger?

Ooopsydaisies!

Signs you might be in Hawaii

There's not a bike rack to be found.

Island spirit is so contagious, even the stick figures get into the action.

You accidentally find yourself on a topless beach.

The flora and fauna tempt you to hike into the rain forest and heed God's command to multiply and replenish the earth.

Walking to a volcano's summit leaves you breathless.

Banyan trees are on steroids.
(See me in the lower right corner? I'm even tinier in person. HA! Did I mention I love this tree?!)

You actually DO have your head in the clouds.

You learn you have something in common with a pineapple farmer.

And..
the number one sign you're in paradise?

ALOHA!

Most Likely

A few weeks ago, The Squire finished up the 4th grade. On the last day of school, his class took a poll and voted those most likely to [fill in the blank]. The Squire is a FaNtAsTiC kid!! His teachers all say how much they love having him in their classes. It sounds like his classmates think pretty highly of him too. He was voted most likely to:

1. become President of the United States
2. drive a Mustang
3. be a millionaire
4. invent something

It’s interesting to see him through the eyes of his peers, because right now he spends a good part of his time driving us nuts with practical jokes and inventing ways to avoid taking showers. I suppose he feels when you’re destined to be a filthy rich, hot-rod racing, gadget constructing, commander in chief, you can bathe whenever the heck ya want! But as long as I’m the grocery-getter operating, inventor of a million consequences and current leader of HIS free world…

that remains UN-likely.

Ancient History

Dear sweet Lady May. She’s a peach, that one. We recently had a conversation that went something like this:

Mom, were you born around the same time as Benjamin Franklin?
Nope, he’s a lot older than I am honey.
How about when there were dinosaurs? Were you around then?
Ummmm….no. They’re even older than Benjamin Franklin.
Well, how about this song on the radio (The Beatles)? Did they play it at your prom?

Sweet, unfortunate, misguided child. I’m wondering what it is I'm doing to give her the impression:

I'm older than dirt?!

Hellooooo! I’m the mom who hits the pool with them any chance I get. The one who sacrifices great hair just to ride roller coasters, water slides, and boogie boards. The hip chick who outdances them at Hannah Montana Spotlight World Tour for Wii, and hogs the Whack-a-Mole at Chuck E. Cheese just to earn the most tickets. The mother of the year who downloads and sings all songs ever played by Radio Disney (which by the way, has absolutely nothing to do with a mild crush on the Jonas Brothers and/or Zac Efron).

For posterity’s sake, I’d like to make the following points:

I was NOT born before the invention of electricity…though it was before microwave ovens, the Internet, and humongous flower headbands to distinguish between baby girls and baby boys.

Dinosaurs had long been extinct by the time I came along. Sadly, ugly wallpaper had not completely died out.


John Lennon was dead before ANY of my high school proms; however, big hair and big sleeves were alive and well!


We had a great time at the prom--Mark, me, Chicago, and my AquaNet do. Ahhhhhh, the smell of fine solid particles suspended in gas takes me back to the good old days when T-rexes roamed the earth. Turn up the volume and sing it loud people...

You’re the meaning in my life, you’re the in”spray”tion.