Island Time

Planes. Hotels. Rental cars. This is the weary life of a man who helps troubled kidneys all over the Western US. The upside to all this travel is an abundance of frequent flyer miles and hotel points. I can’t help but bless kidney failure for our recent vacation in Maui.

The place is magical. Our time on the island was almost sacred. I have difficulty putting the feelings into words. I will try… eventually. Somehow, remembering leaves me grieving that we are no longer there. For now, I will document some amusing details from the first day of our trip:

7:00 am Leaves for airport with 75 pounds of luggage, 60 of which are humidity resistant hair products.

10:00 Buckles in first class seat next to crazy lady who can’t stop talking/drinking/getting up/and other assorted aggravating behaviors.

11:30 Hopes crazy lady chokes on swordfish during lunch.

1-2:00 Daydreams of a seat in coach while crazy lady laughs OUTLOUD hysterically at the book she’s reading.

3:00 Lands in Maui while narrowly avoiding premeditated murder charges.

3:01 Hair wilts.

3:15 Waits at the luggage carrousel…with crazy lady.

3:30 Bags arrive. Crazy lady says the nicest thing: Goodbye.

4:00 Signs rental contract promising NOT to drive rental car in remote parts of the island.

4:30 Voids rental agreement by driving to a remote area of the island.

4:35 Checks in at luxury beach front hotel.


4:45 Hotel staff upgrade accommodations. (We ARE Gold members after all.)


5:00 Goes loco over island specialty, Loco Moco--a veritable layered heart attack on a plate.


6:30 Internal Lappert's radar goes off in Wailea. Has difficulty enjoying stunning sunset views and balmy beach walk due to preoccupation with and proximity of said ice cream establishment.

8:30 Decides souvenirs are overrated and reroutes all funds to super premium ice cream.


9:30 Borrows craft scissors from hotel front desk and cuts misbehaving hair in hotel bathroom.

9:35 Reminisces about the last time unruly hair was cut in a Hawaiian hotel room.

9:36 Curses humidity and fine hair.

9:37 Devises plan to have no self-portraits while in lovely Maui.

10:00 Collapses in ice cream induced coma and dreams about tomorrow's not-so-hair-raising adventures.